Archive for September, 2006

saga of sad

Posted in musings on September 25, 2006 by askthesky

as i said to my friend matt in an email recently, “dear god, please get me off this ride.”

and so it begins.  last saturday i went in for my sonogram.  we were thinking i was about 11 weeks or so, but the midwife wasn’t sure, hence the sonogram.  as i was laying on the table, the tech kept asking me questions such as, “when did you have a positive pregnancy test?”, and, “have you had any spotting?”  we all know this line of questioning goes no where we want to be headed.  as the tech put down the probe, she offhandedly remarked, “well, i don’t see a baby.”  then she said the doctor would be in to speak to us.  this left me somewhat upset, as you can imagine.  she returned in 15 minutes, saying, “you’re all set!  you can go now.”  um, NO.  she said the dr. couldn’t tell anything until i had finished my blood work. 

on the way home, i pictured all the things that could be wrong with this baby (or non-baby?), and fumed as erich seemed nonplussed.  i paged the midwife on call.  she told me not to worry until there was something to worry about, and told me to get the bloodwork on monday and wednesday to check the hcg hormone level. 

monday, i went to get my blood drawn.  i was feeling pretty good (nauseous as usual), and the tech was great- i had no bruise, she was friendly, chatty in a good way.  the next day, tuesday, the midwife called to tell me that everything looked good, but i had a urinary tract infection and had to get a prescription filled.  i did so. 

wednesday.  erich says something in the morning about “considering my options” which threw me into a whirlwind of tears and confusion.  the midwife called, i broke down.  she talked me out of my quandry, and i felt equipped to confront erich that night.  turns out it was mostly a misunderstanding, but i was still feeling hurt.  some things you just don’t say to your pregnant wife, no matter what.  i went for the second round of blood work.  the tech was not friendly, and even today, nearly a week later, the bruises (both arms) are prominent.  i fell into bed totally drained that night. 

thursday morning, first thing, i get a call from the midwife.  she asks if i’ve worked things out with hubbers.  i tell her yes, we’re on the same page, ready to make this situation work.  i feel content and normal for the first time in many, many days.  

midwife:  “heather, i’m glad you worked things out, but i’m afraid there’s bad news.” 

me: <stunned silcence>

midwife: “your hcg levels are dropping, so this pregnancy is not viable.”

me: <wave of sick feeling, followed by strange relief>  “ok.” 

midwife: <recounts all details of losing pregnancy> “how are you feeling now?”

me: “uh, i don’t know.  sad?  relieved?  disappointed?  embarrassed?”

midwife:  “call me on my cell phone if you need to talk.”

i was embarrassed thinking about all of the people, including you, dear internets, that i shared this news with, and now had to share this anti-news. 

the anti-news. 

as of today, nothing has happened.  i spent my birthday weekend waiting to feel terrible, and start this process.  i’m going to call this morning to see about getting the d&c, as i have used up all of my helpers (mom, sisters) over these last few days.  i need to move on and stop this incessant waiting, waiting, waiting.  waiting. 

as for now, i’ve been clearing out the magazines, putting the books back on the shelf, and carefully folding the maternity clothes.  it’s so much to re-think- i find myself almost hourly thinking something like, “oh, i’ve got to get working on cleaning out sage’s room to make space for the baby clothes”, or “i’ve been eating too many hot dogs- i’ve got to watch those nitrates”, or “i can’t earn that hawaii trip because i’ll have a 2 month old when the trip rolls around”.  all that, plus i’m still pregnant, and still have all the sickness, peeing, and emotions that come along with it. 

i’m hanging in.  i’m hanging in.  the more i repeat it, the truer it becomes. 

thanks for listening. 


baby, oh baby

Posted in musings on September 13, 2006 by askthesky

i went to my first midwife appointment yesterday- i forgot how much i love my midwives and their office staff.  they have this strange apartment-converted-to-office space, and a really retro bathroom that i totally dig.  they also have a ridiculously huge stuffed horse, which sage and zander were into in a big way.  it was fun to take them (erich came too, it wasn’t just me and the kids-yikes!), but it was naptime for zander, so he was understandably “flimsy”, as i like to refer to it- floppy limbs, drunken gait, etc.  when the midwife was ready to listen for the heartbeat, she said, “scoot”, and hoisted all 40 pounds of two year old linebacker onto the table next to me.  this is why i love them.  he laid so still and held my hand while she tried (in vain) to find the heartbeat.  it’s still a bit early to worry about that, though.  she did schedule me for a sonogram saturday though, to date the baby more accurately. 

thanks for all the well wishes, i am feeling more and more excited each day, as is sage, who is now asking each morning, “hey, mama, is the baby here yet?” 

only 6 and a half more months of that every morning!  hardy har har…

i’m having trouble deciding what to make as my first baby related craft item.  I love the booties in knitting for baby, i made the easier ones for zander when he was in the belly and he wore them out after wearing them every day for six months (and being washed about a gagillion times).  I can’t find a good picture of him wearing them that doesn’t also include some stranger whose picture i shouldn’t post without permission.  poo. 

i could use your help on another front, if you are crafty and well-read.  my mom has offered to purchase me a crafty book as a birthday present, but i am somewhat housebound right now, and thus have been unable to peruse the different choices whilst sipping a latte in the mega-bookstore.  I’ve also found the reviews on Amazon to be, well, contradictory to each other, and not super helpful.  any suggestions?  i’m thinking knitting, crochet, or sewing would be most useful at this time.  thanks! 

dusty blog

Posted in musings on September 11, 2006 by askthesky

WOW.  that was quite a hiatus.  why so long, you ask?  ah, dear reader.  let’s play guess the life-changer!  i love that game!  okay, here come your hints:

hint #1: i’ve been crying when i read craft blogs like this one, because it’s all just so beautiful.

hint #2: i’ve been crying whenever i have to wear clothing outside of my home, especially anything with a waistband. 

hint#3: last night, i bought a package of those break and bake cookies that i swore i’d never buy.  i then proceeded to eat half the package today. 

hint#4: i’ve bought stock in canada dry. 

hint#5: i cried while i ate the cookies. 

what’s that?  you think i may have a tapeworm?  too many sappy chick flicks? 

no, it’s the obvious.  i’m totally prego.  it’s still sinking in, as i was sort of in denial for, uh, most of the summer.  it’s great, and we’re excited (we definitely wanted more kids, you know, eventually), but i have to say, i was just getting used to the whole time to myself thing, and reading other school-aged kids mom’s blogs about having their kids gone ALL DAY EVERY DAY (which also made me cry) just makes me a tiny bit sad.  just a tiny bit, though.  then i have a can of ginger ale, and all is right with the world. 

i have absolutely no details until after tomorrow afternoon when the midwife enlightens me.  any advice from moms out there on super insane morning, afternoon, and night sickness?  also, a source for ginger altoids?  i should totally buy stock in them, too…