saga of sad

as i said to my friend matt in an email recently, “dear god, please get me off this ride.”

and so it begins.  last saturday i went in for my sonogram.  we were thinking i was about 11 weeks or so, but the midwife wasn’t sure, hence the sonogram.  as i was laying on the table, the tech kept asking me questions such as, “when did you have a positive pregnancy test?”, and, “have you had any spotting?”  we all know this line of questioning goes no where we want to be headed.  as the tech put down the probe, she offhandedly remarked, “well, i don’t see a baby.”  then she said the doctor would be in to speak to us.  this left me somewhat upset, as you can imagine.  she returned in 15 minutes, saying, “you’re all set!  you can go now.”  um, NO.  she said the dr. couldn’t tell anything until i had finished my blood work. 

on the way home, i pictured all the things that could be wrong with this baby (or non-baby?), and fumed as erich seemed nonplussed.  i paged the midwife on call.  she told me not to worry until there was something to worry about, and told me to get the bloodwork on monday and wednesday to check the hcg hormone level. 

monday, i went to get my blood drawn.  i was feeling pretty good (nauseous as usual), and the tech was great- i had no bruise, she was friendly, chatty in a good way.  the next day, tuesday, the midwife called to tell me that everything looked good, but i had a urinary tract infection and had to get a prescription filled.  i did so. 

wednesday.  erich says something in the morning about “considering my options” which threw me into a whirlwind of tears and confusion.  the midwife called, i broke down.  she talked me out of my quandry, and i felt equipped to confront erich that night.  turns out it was mostly a misunderstanding, but i was still feeling hurt.  some things you just don’t say to your pregnant wife, no matter what.  i went for the second round of blood work.  the tech was not friendly, and even today, nearly a week later, the bruises (both arms) are prominent.  i fell into bed totally drained that night. 

thursday morning, first thing, i get a call from the midwife.  she asks if i’ve worked things out with hubbers.  i tell her yes, we’re on the same page, ready to make this situation work.  i feel content and normal for the first time in many, many days.  

midwife:  “heather, i’m glad you worked things out, but i’m afraid there’s bad news.” 

me: <stunned silcence>

midwife: “your hcg levels are dropping, so this pregnancy is not viable.”

me: <wave of sick feeling, followed by strange relief>  “ok.” 

midwife: <recounts all details of losing pregnancy> “how are you feeling now?”

me: “uh, i don’t know.  sad?  relieved?  disappointed?  embarrassed?”

midwife:  “call me on my cell phone if you need to talk.”

i was embarrassed thinking about all of the people, including you, dear internets, that i shared this news with, and now had to share this anti-news. 

the anti-news. 

as of today, nothing has happened.  i spent my birthday weekend waiting to feel terrible, and start this process.  i’m going to call this morning to see about getting the d&c, as i have used up all of my helpers (mom, sisters) over these last few days.  i need to move on and stop this incessant waiting, waiting, waiting.  waiting. 

as for now, i’ve been clearing out the magazines, putting the books back on the shelf, and carefully folding the maternity clothes.  it’s so much to re-think- i find myself almost hourly thinking something like, “oh, i’ve got to get working on cleaning out sage’s room to make space for the baby clothes”, or “i’ve been eating too many hot dogs- i’ve got to watch those nitrates”, or “i can’t earn that hawaii trip because i’ll have a 2 month old when the trip rolls around”.  all that, plus i’m still pregnant, and still have all the sickness, peeing, and emotions that come along with it. 

i’m hanging in.  i’m hanging in.  the more i repeat it, the truer it becomes. 

thanks for listening. 

4 Responses to “saga of sad”

  1. Oh my god. I’m just so sorry. I’m crying right now. Please DO hang in and rely on every single person in your life. Please write if you need anything at all or just want to talk. Hugs.

  2. i’m really proud to be your friend. mostly because you’re an astoundingly amazing person, but right now specifically because of your decision to share all that on the interwebs. seriously. you could not be braver and awesomer. see you with bagels in eight hours. shazam!

  3. Dear Heather,

    Thank you for being so honest about your feelings and all that is going on. I am crying with you!

    Love and hugs,

  4. Oh Heather. I’m really sad for you right now. Your post was very moving. I’m thinking lots of good thoughts about you and wishing you lots of strength to get through this. XOXO Kathy

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